Real post up later.
I’ve been melancholic since sometime yesterday. There’s no one specific reason, just a lot of little stresses hanging on doggedly.
Money is an issue, although I feel like I shouldn’t complain since my situation is a lot better than some others I know. But I still have three people who owe me a significant amount of money. It’s not fun always worrying about getting it back, then chiding myself for not trusting those people.
As I’ve said, I’ve been very unproductive lately. There’s nothing much I can show off right now, and what I do have are works in progress. Besides the flurry of MSW profiles, this break has only been disappointing in terms of output. There’s still so much left to do, and less than a week before classes begin again.
With work so slow, how can I possibly pull off a 24-Hour Comic tomorrow? Do I even have a comprehensive story? Will it even make sense? Shouldn’t that time go toward something I know I can be proud of? I don’t know if I can handle failure, the mood I’m in.
Classes are another worry. Last semester I got a C in my favorite CS class, because of my tendency towards procrastination. I don’t trust myself, and I feel like I won’t be able to look that professor in the eyes again… He’s easily the best professor in the CS department too.
The biggest thing that’s bothering me, though, is my social anxiety. I’m a homebody and a lurker by nature. Right now, I’m fighting the urge to pull back into the shadows and avoid all contact, both online and in real life. My attempts feel wooden; I notice conversation openings too late; I’m not me. I guess what I want is to be with my sisters or someone I can just talk to without anxiety. I want to be hugged and I don’t want to feel as helpless as I do now. I’m twenty years old, for god’s sake! What the hell is wrong with me? ;_;